A Sharing From A Long-Time Cat Rescuer And Feeder

I’ve encountered many cats, not all are my rescues.but i fostered them, give them meals..try to take care as much as i could..try to give my best, put them for adoption once they are fit. unfortunately, some of them didn’t survive, especially for those kittens/cats that i’ve found with or finally diagnosed with parvo, bad flu, FIV, FELV< FIP, sporo etc

after every deaths or MIA in my community cats, I’ll update the dates in my registrar. I kept a registrar for my reference on vaccination dates, cost etc. Other than that, i actually keep a registrar to remind me and make sure none of the names already given repeated for future cats. after hundreds of them, i found its getting difficult to give them names

lately, i noticed that i no longer cry when there’s a death. at least not immediately after. I remembered when i was small, my family already have lots of cats, all rescued. every time a cat died, i’ll cry for 3 days.

I’ve been thinking seriously, am i not sad of their deaths? Is that why i dont cry? But actually, I will cry every time i update the registrar. Every time when i update the death in my registrar, i will go through all pictures and videos of the cats i’ve encountered. While going through the photos/videos, I’ll try to recall all the names, at times there’s some hiccups as there are so many. Now i have over 10000 pics and videos.i go through each of them every time I updating the deaths of community cats. It�took me sometimes, more than 4 hours. And i cried during that whole hours. So. i’m not immune to deaths

�I also noticed that lately i dont take much pictures of my current cats. I seldomly take pic/video of them playing or their funny sleeping positions etc. i even being a minimalist, no longer buying them new toys, playing with pointer lights etc. Try to have a minimum furniture as possible so that i dont have to do much work cleaning up the mess. You for sure know how it will be after cats playtime.

I no longer upload pictures of my cats in my FB account as before. But i thought it’s just because i’m getting busy with my work and other stuff. But i recalled i was already busy before..my time spent for work are almost the same. I might work extra hours, but i also realized, that extra hours are mostly done at home. So why i did not take much pictures of my cats, didnt spend more time playing with them as i used to? Then i realized, I hate loosing them and hate that I need to watch their pictures or videos every time i update the death registrar.

I also found that i dont bother to change my phone to a new smartphone or at least with cameras. coz if i have cameraphone,i’ll snap their pictures. i dont want to have dead cats picture in my phone, and have to watch them, and cry after that.

Subconsciously, maybe my action now is because i dont want to hurts as much. Less time spent with the cats means i’m not going to be as sad as before. But actually it still affects when there’s death. It actually worst to recall that i dont spend much time with them when they are alive, and weeping over it when they’re dead. �I’m not normally a person who is expressive. but being less affectionate towards cats does not work either. So this is actually unfair for the cats. For this, I have to admit that I’m very selfish.

I dont like losing cats, i’m not immune to death. it’s actually hurts me inside when they died. but i still need to update the registrar, because when updating, i will go through all pictures of all cats. so they will always be in my heart and remind me on why i do this. It comfort me to know that for every cats that is gone, it means there are space for other cats that needs my attention. �But still, i hate loosing them. I hate to face death. Then i relate this with my mom. My mother died for over 10 years, i visit her grave only twice, and the last one is on 2003 because I dont like going to the place where i last saw her face and body. And i dont cry much when she died. Deaths of my best frens, i didnt get the chance to go for their funerals. There are many times other frens are visiting their graves,i didnt go and creating reasons.

Now i’m aware that this is exacty how i felt when facing deaths of my loved ones. I’m not immune. I just dont show it, i chose not to show it.

For all my cats, you mean so much to me. All of you are the main reasons why I try not to think about other problems too much. I’ll try to be a better mom after this, start to spend more playtime again, buy new toys etc.

For all cats that have died, I’m sorry if i’m not doing my very best when you are alive.

Alfatihah to my mom, relatives and frens that left this world before me.